Jeff and Linnea turn 6

I mentioned the other week that it was our anniversary. We've been married 6 whole years now. It's interesting to me to think about our relationship now compared to back when we were dating. Like any 6-year-old, it has a lot of emerging personality, a goofy sense of humor, and is still learning a lot each day. We know how to go crazy at recess but still are working on mastering addition.

It's easier to think of us as first-graders than full-fledged adults.

We took things easy on our anniversary - Jeff didn't have class that day and I was able to get off work a little early. We took a nice walk around our neighborhood and actually stopped to smell the roses (there were roses everywhere!) Then we wandered over to Adams Morgan and had dinner at the Little Fountain Cafe, which was both darling and delicious.

Jeff had a bison steak which was really yummy.

 The traditional 6th anniversary presents are Iron or Sugar, which had us pretty stumped. We finally decided to go down the sugar route (like any smart 6-year-old would) and so we made homemade milkshakes for dessert, complete with homemade whipped cream and homemade cookie dough chunks. Hey, when we do sugar, we do it right.

Jeff surprised me with a cute patio table and I got him these spoons. They are perfect for us because I'm not good at sharing things. I mean - I'm good at sharing Jeff's food, but I'm not so good about sharing my own. With anyone. So these seemed appropriate. One says "My Ice Cream" (which Jeff claimed) and one says "Your Ice Cream" (which Jeff assigned to me. And then moved his milkshake out of my reach.)

 

I suppose I might get better at sharing as we keep growing. Maybe by year 12.

Maybe.

A few years ago I did a post all about Jeff. I thought today might be a good time to do another one, because today Jeff and I are celebrating our anniversary!

So, this is Jeff.

 28-years-old. Wears glasses. Grows facial hair slowly, but generally still has some (red!) scruff because he doesn't shave much. Passionate about PT school and everything he is studying. Loves movies, TV shows, and Netflix. Enjoys playing games and sports. Plays on a flag football team called "Quick and Dirty" in the Nakid league, which seems slightly out of character to me. Was MVP last game. Always up for adventure. Always up for food - "I could eat" is a commonly said phrase. Kids think he is great and he is great with them, but be warned that if you let him hold your baby he will subtly start testing their reflexes and mobility. When he tries to speak Swedish he hangs onto his vowels way too long. Made a goal to read 12 books this year, and has already read 10. (I told him he needed to set his sights higher.) Looks really cute in a baseball hat. When you get him laughing really hard he cries. He laughs a lot because he thinks I'm really funny.

Jeff's classmates tease him that he has a "patient voice" that he uses in clinic. I haven't gotten to hear this special voice yet, although I can't imagine it's that much different from what I always hear. It's probably just his normal voice after years of being patient with me and my crazy ideas. He really is the most patient and understanding person I've ever met.

Being married to Jeff has been the most wonderful thing I ever could have imagined.

Photo by Rachel May.

Flow of the Tide

“When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.

The only real security is not in owning or possessing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. Relationships must be like islands, one must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, and continually visited and abandoned by the tides.”

― Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea 

It's real.

Happy Anniversary to my parents!

 My parents have a beautiful marriage that has always been a wonderful example to me. I am so grateful for them.

 So much could be said about their great relationship, but I think I can sum it up here:

 A few years ago I had one of those paradigm-shifting moments after seeing behind the false fronts of some relationships that I had always admired and held up as a standard for what I wanted. I think this is part of growing up - finding out that adults don't always have it together and hey, relationships are flawed. However, my faith in marriage as an institution was severely shaken and I felt so confused. Was everyone faking, I wondered? Was anyone truly happy?

 After letting this bug me for a week or two, I finally brought it up while sitting by my dad on the sofa, each of us reading a book.

 "Is this real?" I asked him - liking to keep it nice and vague, since I was so confused.

 "Is what real?"

"This - you and mom. Are you real? Is this real? Are you really happy together?"

 I'll never forget his response. So certain, so sure.

 "Yes, it's real. I am so glad to be married to your mom, I love her so much. Sometimes I still get butterflies when I see her."
 

This is real, folks.

Kindness Counts

While having the Bachelorette on as background noise earlier this week (yup, we watch. Judge away.) I noticed a lot of similar words being said again and again. Besides the beautiful phrase "right reasons" (which is said about three times a minute) they keep throwing out things like "trustworthy" and "loyal" and "honest." Finally I told Jeff it sounded like what they were looking for was a boy scout, upon which he immediately began to recite the scout ...law?  motto? pledge? credo? Whatever it is. You know the one -

  "A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent."

 This is my dad. 

   I listened to him and then was like, hey - those are a lot of the things I was looking for in a spouse!

   Of course, I had given the qualities I wanted in a future spouse a lot of thought growing up. Or rather, had been told to make lists at a few church activities. One of these lists was unearthed for our wedding reception and framed for display.


  I was glad to read it that day and discover that Jeff fit the bill pretty well. (Phew, didn't need to run and quickly ask for an annulment.) He's even good at math, which was one of my requirements. I figured I'd need that to help balance out my ineptitude at math - looking back, this line of thinking makes me wonder at what point I gave up on math, and if it was too soon. Maybe I never gave it enough of a chance. Anyhow, it doesn't matter now, because Jeff is a math wizard and can do all the addition I need in his head faster than I can write it out to use the touch point system. (Yes, I really still use this. I am not ashamed. It has served me well since the first grade.)

  Anyhow, math is not the point here. What I wanted to say is that while this list is nice and long and wonderful, having been married for five years now (such a veteran, I know) I've realized that there is one major thing that I don't think I ever put on my list that I am so grateful to have. It's so simple I never even thought to put it on my list, I think...though it is in that Scout motto!

  It's simply that Jeff is kind.

  It sounds like such an obvious trait to want in a spouse that it seems almost ridiculous to be writing about. However, after observing many other relationships (I love to observe people) of people I know, sort-of know, don't know at all, etc. I have concluded that sadly not everyone has this, and I am so glad that I do. Jeff is always kind to me. He never belittles me, in public or private. He supports me in whatever I want to do - even when that is a fluid, changing confusing concept. He listens to my ideas, even the nutty ones. If there is something I like, he goes out of his way to make that happen for me - not just tangible things, but little experiences, too. I know he'll never try to make me look or feel stupid in front of people, not even for the sake of a laugh. (Humor has it's place for sure - in fact, that was #1 on my list! We tease each other all the time, but try to be careful about never saying anything that will poke fun at something that is a truly sensitive topic.)

   During a class in college, we were talking about this idea of lists and marriage expectations and how you should really be classifying these "requirements" (if you didn't know, at one point I thought I wanted to be a marriage therapist.) Instead of making one list, the idea is to have a few different tiers of requirements. Figure out the traits you absolutely must have in a spouse, the ones that are absolutely non-negotiable. Then another list of things you'd love to have in a spouse, and yet a third list of things that you'd like to have in your spouse. This sort of weighted requirement list helps get rid of that "I/She/He settled" notion that sometimes hinders us.

   Silly little 13-year-old me wrote on my list that I'd like my future husband to also be Scandinavian. And hey - while I'd love to have that in a spouse, Jeff isn't. I'm so glad I didn't think that was a deal-breaker. (Although we'll see how we end up deciding to celebrate Christmas down the road. Swedish Christmas forever!!)

  So what about you? If you're married, is there anything you've realized later that you are glad you have in a spouse that you never consciously thought about needing? Anything you thought you wanted in a spouse that you realized you didn't absolutely have to have after all? If you're single, what things are on your lists?