"A Scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent."
This is my dad.
I listened to him and then was like, hey - those are a lot of the things I was looking for in a spouse!
Of course, I had given the qualities I wanted in a future spouse a lot of thought growing up. Or rather, had been told to make lists at a few church activities. One of these lists was unearthed for our wedding reception and framed for display.
I was glad to read it that day and discover that Jeff fit the bill pretty well. (Phew, didn't need to run and quickly ask for an annulment.) He's even good at math, which was one of my requirements. I figured I'd need that to help balance out my ineptitude at math - looking back, this line of thinking makes me wonder at what point I gave up on math, and if it was too soon. Maybe I never gave it enough of a chance. Anyhow, it doesn't matter now, because Jeff is a math wizard and can do all the addition I need in his head faster than I can write it out to use the touch point system. (Yes, I really still use this. I am not ashamed. It has served me well since the first grade.)
Anyhow, math is not the point here. What I wanted to say is that while this list is nice and long and wonderful, having been married for five years now (such a veteran, I know) I've realized that there is one major thing that I don't think I ever put on my list that I am so grateful to have. It's so simple I never even thought to put it on my list, I think...though it is in that Scout motto!
It's simply that Jeff is kind.
It sounds like such an obvious trait to want in a spouse that it seems almost ridiculous to be writing about. However, after observing many other relationships (I love to observe people) of people I know, sort-of know, don't know at all, etc. I have concluded that sadly not everyone has this, and I am so glad that I do. Jeff is always kind to me. He never belittles me, in public or private. He supports me in whatever I want to do - even when that is a fluid, changing confusing concept. He listens to my ideas, even the nutty ones. If there is something I like, he goes out of his way to make that happen for me - not just tangible things, but little experiences, too. I know he'll never try to make me look or feel stupid in front of people, not even for the sake of a laugh. (Humor has it's place for sure - in fact, that was #1 on my list! We tease each other all the time, but try to be careful about never saying anything that will poke fun at something that is a truly sensitive topic.)
During a class in college, we were talking about this idea of lists and marriage expectations and how you should really be classifying these "requirements" (if you didn't know, at one point I thought I wanted to be a marriage therapist.) Instead of making one list, the idea is to have a few different tiers of requirements. Figure out the traits you absolutely must have in a spouse, the ones that are absolutely non-negotiable. Then another list of things you'd love to have in a spouse, and yet a third list of things that you'd like to have in your spouse. This sort of weighted requirement list helps get rid of that "I/She/He settled" notion that sometimes hinders us.
Silly little 13-year-old me wrote on my list that I'd like my future husband to also be Scandinavian. And hey - while I'd love to have that in a spouse, Jeff isn't. I'm so glad I didn't think that was a deal-breaker. (Although we'll see how we end up deciding to celebrate Christmas down the road. Swedish Christmas forever!!)
So what about you? If you're married, is there anything you've realized later that you are glad you have in a spouse that you never consciously thought about needing? Anything you thought you wanted in a spouse that you realized you didn't absolutely have to have after all? If you're single, what things are on your lists?
I think you're right on with kindness. I never truly understood that or was looking for that while dating, but your mother has it in spades and that has made all the difference. Even when she has a different opinion or thinks I've done something wrong, she finds a kind way to express it. You'll recall there wasn't a lot of shouting in our house as you grew up, except maybe to be heard over a BYU football game on TV.
ReplyDeleteKindness also is contagious. I'm a kinder person because of your mother.
I could write a blog post (or 5) about this, but I'll keep it short. I certainly never thought I'd marry someone who plays video games. I thought it was a deal-breaker (it wasn't). What I got in return is a super fantastic cook who also got up every.single.time. Will woke in the night and brought him to me, who did all the diaper changing (and everything else) while I had a broken wrist for 6 weeks. Not an academic, but a hard worker and a people person with a genuinely good heart.
ReplyDeleteI've talked about this with my single friends and advised them to keep their lists somewhat flexible. :) Obviously some things are deal-breakers but not the ones we think.
Wow, I had no idea that Dad had written such a nice comment about me. I also think that kindness is very important in marriage and in any relationship. Often in reality television or sitcoms, individuals are trying to be recognized as clever and will belittle each other to reach that goal. In real life there's no value in being sarcastic and mean. My parents have always been kind to each other--they are a great example to me.
ReplyDeleteYour grandmother Evensen always told me that kindness was the paramount think to look for in a mate. Actually she said, "Få en mann som er snil", but you catch the drift! Your dad is one of the kindest guys on the planet, too. Aren't we lucky girls?
ReplyDeleteYou did get it all, Linnea', though unaware. Jeff is Swedish, too! His great-great grandmother on my mother's side was born in Sweden, immigrated to the US (don't know how yet), and became the second wife to John Rouse. She is Susanna Christina Young, and she continues to be one of my projects to find out more about her. Maybe, that is where Jeff gets his kindness from. He has always been a loving, kind, full- of- life child and person who really cares about others. I am so happy you love him as much as we always have. Yes, Gaylen and I are very prejudiced.
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